fact

Fact: If you breath heavily through your mouth you sound like you're about to rape someone.

Fact 2: If you breath heavily through your mouth while taking a shit you should probably lay off the BK

pickin' a winner

i shit you not.
i just watched him pick his nose then eat it.

poker face

you're bitching that you don't want your daughter listening to lady gaga because she sings about sex and sends out the wrong messages.
yet you openly admit to people that you want to fuck cartoon characters.
i think you should be more concerned that you'll teach her fucking inanimate objects is okay than having sex with a human being is okay.

great now you've got gigantor involved in the conversation. she's going on about how she trusts her kids so she doesn't need to supervise them. blah blah blah.
i'm guessing you don't have to worry about your kids getting knocked up because if they're half as annoying as you no one will want to sleep with them.
i'm also guessing they smell like cabbage.
you look like you have a family that would smell of cabbage.

sad

you sit there and say it's sad that people are in their 30's and aren't married with kids.
that's funny.
i think it's sad that you're pushing 40 and the highlight of your life is watching movies you download.
i really don't understand where you come off making fun of others.
you're too scared to travel more than 15 minutes from your house.
pull your head out of your ass.

this is you

really

you went and had a double down at lunch.
is it really necessary for you to call everyone you know (your wife and your mom) to tell them?
then try to tell everyone that walks by that you had one.
no one cares dude.
instead of buying a double down you should have bought a clue.

doritos

close your mouth when you eat your doritos at 9am.
seriously.
starving kids in africa can hear you eat.

november 11th

who books a dentist appointment at 11am on november 11th?
oh that's right ... you do because you are so oblivious to anything that doesn't involve watching movies in your basement.
learn a little respect.

doucheburger with extra pickles

wow. you just full out yelled at your wife on the phone while at work. your wife who just gave birth like a week ago.
i think you just solidified yourself as the biggest douche in the world.
after you hang up the phone you try to make jokes about your mother in law meanwhile everyone is looking at you embarassed.
then what do you do. crack open your third bag of cheesies today.

that will teach her though. never again will she buy you cheesies when you specifically ask for spicey cheese doritos. what a bitch.

seriously. who fucking gets to the point where they feel yelling is required over fucking chips.
if feel so sorry for anyone associated with you.
your daughters are going to grow up and be in porno or suck dick for meth.
guarenteed.

facts of life

a couple facts:
it's 9am
you're in your early 40s
you are eating cheesies at 9am
seriously
wtf
cheesies
at 9am

doucheassburger

you stupid fucking cunt.
you spent the entire day telling people my work was wrong. that was i was doing wrong. trying to pin all the fuck ups on me.
then someone else takes a look at the work and it's you who is doing it wrong.
you think you're perfect but you're not.
you're an annoying piece of shit who spent the entire day dragging my name and my work through the mud.
maybe if you paid more attention to what you were doing instead of spending half the day on the phone running your personal business you wouldn't fuck up.
the funny thing is that you're clueless.
people completely hate your rants about how amazing your family is.
people walk away when you start going on your little rants. people roll their eyes. no one fucking cares.
if you're so perfect and amazing you should probably be able to pick up on this.
there's very little humor in this. this is just me being super fucking pissed off.
you bad mouth me when it's in fact your fault.
i seriously hate you.

one week

you're out of the office for one week.
i'll take the small victories in life.
this is definately one of them.