snow

seriously dude. do you really need to tell everyone who walks by that we're supposed to get a shitload of snow tomorrow?
pretty sure everyone has heard the forecast and seen the warnings.
the best is that you bitch about how bad the drive home is going to be.
you like 10 minutes down the road.
10 fucking minutes.
you're home and in the basement touching yourself to Jennifer's Body (*side story) before I'm even a quarter of the way home.
you have the shortest drive out of anyone but all you do is bitch.
you need to shut your face. right now.

(* side story) you actually tell people that you watched Jennifer's Body and that there were some pretty "risky" scenes. then with your creepy i'm about to rape someone face say how you thought the movie could have used some more nudity.
there are these two things called the internet and porn.
you should look into them dumbass.
who turns to major hollywood movies for spankbank material?
oh that's right ... you do.
i wonder if he's downloaded the Avatar porno yet.

fitness guru

really.
you sit there and tell people they're not healthy because they don't go to the gym.
then you tell people they aren't healthy because they don't eat properly.
and you do this while you're eating a hungry man diner. at 9:40 am.

deep breathing

you (different person) breath heavily through your mouth all the time.
it sounds like you're about to rape someone.
it bothers me.
god gave you a nose so you wouldn't breath like a rapist. read the bible. i'm sure there's discussion of this fact in the old testament.

you make this too easy

you just got in a heated debate about the semantics of star trek the next generation and how it is superior to the original star trek.
you actually did this at work.
like seriously dude.
join some web forum to bitch about star trek.
after you do that get a DNA test for your kids. because there's a very good chance you're a virgin and those kids aren't yours.

you're not fooling anyone

you are in fact gay.
here's the evidence.
you say you've seen tron before but you obviously haven't. when you finally watch it, you proceed to make fun of it and say how much of a shit movie it is.
if you had actually seen it in your youth you might admit that it is a crappy movie, but you would never openly blast it.
after making fun of tron, you go on for a good 15 minutes about how great twilight eclipse was. seriously. twilight. you're a man in your late 30s/early 40s and you love twilight.
GAY.

you fail at life

yet another reason you fail at life.
you can't beat a kids video game on the easiest setting.
you rant about how it took you 3 hours to figure out one part.
then other people around you tell you it took them about 5 minutes to figure it out.

bitch please

Do you really need to sigh after everything you say?
It's really annoying.
It's bad enough that you spend half the day on the phone. But now you've added in sigh's after every sentance.