bitch please

Do you really need to sigh after everything you say?
It's really annoying.
It's bad enough that you spend half the day on the phone. But now you've added in sigh's after every sentance.

reactions

pretty much everyone you show pictures of your kids to have the same reaction.
you can tell from the body language what it is too.
it's the, oh shit are your kids retarded? just say they're cute quick, because they honestly look like they have a touch of the downs.

fact

Fact: If you breath heavily through your mouth you sound like you're about to rape someone.

Fact 2: If you breath heavily through your mouth while taking a shit you should probably lay off the BK

pickin' a winner

i shit you not.
i just watched him pick his nose then eat it.

poker face

you're bitching that you don't want your daughter listening to lady gaga because she sings about sex and sends out the wrong messages.
yet you openly admit to people that you want to fuck cartoon characters.
i think you should be more concerned that you'll teach her fucking inanimate objects is okay than having sex with a human being is okay.

great now you've got gigantor involved in the conversation. she's going on about how she trusts her kids so she doesn't need to supervise them. blah blah blah.
i'm guessing you don't have to worry about your kids getting knocked up because if they're half as annoying as you no one will want to sleep with them.
i'm also guessing they smell like cabbage.
you look like you have a family that would smell of cabbage.

sad

you sit there and say it's sad that people are in their 30's and aren't married with kids.
that's funny.
i think it's sad that you're pushing 40 and the highlight of your life is watching movies you download.
i really don't understand where you come off making fun of others.
you're too scared to travel more than 15 minutes from your house.
pull your head out of your ass.

this is you

really

you went and had a double down at lunch.
is it really necessary for you to call everyone you know (your wife and your mom) to tell them?
then try to tell everyone that walks by that you had one.
no one cares dude.
instead of buying a double down you should have bought a clue.

doritos

close your mouth when you eat your doritos at 9am.
seriously.
starving kids in africa can hear you eat.

november 11th

who books a dentist appointment at 11am on november 11th?
oh that's right ... you do because you are so oblivious to anything that doesn't involve watching movies in your basement.
learn a little respect.

doucheburger with extra pickles

wow. you just full out yelled at your wife on the phone while at work. your wife who just gave birth like a week ago.
i think you just solidified yourself as the biggest douche in the world.
after you hang up the phone you try to make jokes about your mother in law meanwhile everyone is looking at you embarassed.
then what do you do. crack open your third bag of cheesies today.

that will teach her though. never again will she buy you cheesies when you specifically ask for spicey cheese doritos. what a bitch.

seriously. who fucking gets to the point where they feel yelling is required over fucking chips.
if feel so sorry for anyone associated with you.
your daughters are going to grow up and be in porno or suck dick for meth.
guarenteed.

facts of life

a couple facts:
it's 9am
you're in your early 40s
you are eating cheesies at 9am
seriously
wtf
cheesies
at 9am

doucheassburger

you stupid fucking cunt.
you spent the entire day telling people my work was wrong. that was i was doing wrong. trying to pin all the fuck ups on me.
then someone else takes a look at the work and it's you who is doing it wrong.
you think you're perfect but you're not.
you're an annoying piece of shit who spent the entire day dragging my name and my work through the mud.
maybe if you paid more attention to what you were doing instead of spending half the day on the phone running your personal business you wouldn't fuck up.
the funny thing is that you're clueless.
people completely hate your rants about how amazing your family is.
people walk away when you start going on your little rants. people roll their eyes. no one fucking cares.
if you're so perfect and amazing you should probably be able to pick up on this.
there's very little humor in this. this is just me being super fucking pissed off.
you bad mouth me when it's in fact your fault.
i seriously hate you.

one week

you're out of the office for one week.
i'll take the small victories in life.
this is definately one of them.

drunk

i'm intoxicated
you're at home masturbating to avatar.

that's right bitch

i'm even hating on you when i'm not at work

you're gayer than monday night raw
wave your hand in front of that face

fart

he just farted at his desk.
loudly.
didn't even attempt to get up and go to the bathroom or anything.
just farted right there at his desk.
sounded like he damn near shit his pants too.

pumpkin

have you ever seen a grown ass man throw a temper tantrum because he didn't win a pumpkin carving contest?

i have.

it's embarassing.

seriously dude. it's a pumpkin carving contest at work. cool your jets. no one cares that you didn't win.

what 40 year old throws temper tantrums?
seriously?

my nephew is like 7 now and he even doesn't throw them anymore.
that's right. my 7 year old nephew is more of a man than you are.

movember

my group at work decided we'd all do movember together to raise some money for prostate cancer research. good cause and growing facial hair is always fun.
your response was: oh i can't i've got christmas pictures coming up and my wife would kill me.
seriously?
grow a fucking dick.
your wife would kill you because for 4 weeks you're growing facial hair to help fund research for the most commonly occuring cancer in men in the country.
you're the biggest pussy in the world.

i have an idea. how about you don't shave your vagina for a month. then at the end of the month get your vagina waxed and take the hair from that and make a moustache that you'll wear for one day.

what a doucheburger with cheese.

dirty feet

ewww. you walk around the office with your shoes off.
how nasty is that.
i understand taking them off at your desk. everyone does that. but you walk around the office in your socks.
that's just disgusting and makes me want to throw up. which would be unfortunate because this mornings breakfast burrito was delicious.

go cook yourself a clue

just because you worked at a kelseys 20 years ago does not make you a master chef.
seriously it doesn't.
i've worked in a enough kitchens in my day to know that what you're doing at kelseys isn't even technically cooking. it's more of a warming process. you warm food for people to eat.
you worked there like 20 years ago too. why are you still talking about it. especially in a context that you're trying to make yourself look like a master chef.
you're a jackass.
the world hates you.

the sound of whales mating

you're watching videos of what looks like whales mating.
i don't even know what to say about that one.
maybe you're building up your spankbank library?
i don't know.
i honestly have nothing to say to that.
the fact that you're watching whales have sex at work says it all.

9:30am

You eat a bag of doritos every morning at 9:30am. I remember eating chips for breakfast when I was like 8. You're in your 40s.
The best is when you curse your wife because she bought you the wrong kind of doritos.
Seriously. Does that ruin your day?
Fuck my breakfast dortios aren't spicey nacho, they're just nacho cheese. My day is ruined.

ham

you are eating a half of plate of peas and half of a ham for lunch.
i really wish i could take a picture because i shit you not. there is half of a diner ham on your plate.
HALF OF A FUCKING HAM!


FOR LUNCH!

weekend

usually when someone asks you how your weekend was they want to hear how your weekend was. they don't want to hear about how your daughter found the cure to world hunger and how your son flew to the moon. seriously.
how was your weekend. well my son found the cure to cancer and my daughter built an irregation dam for starving farmers in india.
so annoying because no one cares.
as soon as she starts talking we all start sending eachother msn messages making fun of her.
that's bad. but yeah. annoying.

on a side note.
i think if your name is rachelle you're automatically hot. seriously. i've only ever known two rachelle's and both of them are smoking hot.
i think it's the extra le at the end of rachel that makes them hot.

damnit

you're back from vacation today. that's going to suck.
that means having to hear the same story about marineland 13 times in the next couple of hours.
really not looking forward to that.
i'm also assuming you'll toss in some complaining about thursday (free baseball day).

damnit i hate today.

flush!

why can't people at work flush the damn toliet?
the last thing i want to see when i walk into the bathroom is the contents of your rectum.
seriously.
flush.

the stank

honestly bitch.

Have you never worked in an office before? There are things you don't do in offices. One of those things is have constant personal phone conversations at your desk. This is okay if you have an office and you can close the door, but if you're sitting at a desk in a cubicle you go somewhere where people aren't going to hear you on the phone. Although at this point if she actually did that then she'd spend half her day away from her desk.
The second is make microwave popcorn. To anyone who has ever worked in an office or is familiar with Douglas Coupland you might know this as "the stank".
You do not cook (I don't really think it's cooking ... but let's roll with it) microwave popcorn in an office. If you want popcorn you make it like the night before and put it in a ziplock bag so the smell does not drift across the office and make everyone hungry as balls.

I think with this move you have officially become office enemy #1.

I've already planned my revenege. The one stank worse than microwave popcorn is McDonalds. I'm going to sit hear and wait for her to say she's hungry one day. Then I will promptly get up and go and get some McDonalds and just let it sit on my desk.

Seriously. No one wants to hear about your kids and no one wants to smell your popcorn.

How dare you defile my general area with the stench of your popcorn.

If I could fill a bag of popcorn with my farts then repackage it and leave it on your desk I would.
I imagine a warm bag of farts would not make for a delicious afternoon snack.

move over

there's a new sherif in town. If by sherif I mean annoying co-worker. There's a new IT woman who has taken the reign as most annoying person in my general office area.
She doesn't have an inside voice. She talks so loudly that it gives me a headache. She calls her kids at least once an hour. I'm guessing her kids are older too, because one of them is in university.
When she's not talking loudly on the phone, she's having really annoying conversations with other people where all she talks about is how great her family is.
You can't understand how loud she actually talks. Think about being in a loud club or bar and how loudly you need to speak to talk to the person beside you. Now use that voice in a quiet office setting. I swear to god half the damn office can hear her conversations.

What makes it worse is that she sits right behind me.

I'd gladly take conversations about someone fucking a cartoon character or baking cakes over having to listen to someone loudly go on about how amazing her family is.

Case in point. This morning there was a 20 minute conversation on how her son won 6 awards from school. And how he "cleaned up". Which is okay. Be proud of your son. But after she mentioned that she went on to knock other people in his program who I'm sure she's never even met. She continued on about how they don't have the same work ethic and how they're lazy and this and that. And how they really are at a disadvantage because her son is so great. All the while I'm thinking to myself. That's fine and dandy, your son might be really smart and good at school, but I'll also bet dollars for donuts that he is a virgin and no one likes him. If he's even half as full of himself as you are then bam! he's getting beat up for his lunch money and resulting in having to pay for sex.

I know that's a very immature way of me looking at it, because after all there is more to life than getting laid and retaining your lunch money, but seriously. Just shut up. I don't care how great your kid is. And neither does half the office.

stoked

one full week (well almost a full week) without having to listen to your bullshit at work.
it's like a holliday. it's going to be amazing and i am stoked.

You are the only person who could take something extremely positive and spin it into a negative.
We're going to a ball game next month with work. Work is paying for the tickets, giving us $30 for beer/food at the game and buying us diner. Pretty damn sweet if you ask me.
BUT you have to go and put a negative spin on it.
Before the game we're having a demo at the downtown office. We agreed that it would be good to do it that day since we'd already be downtown to begin with. Then you have to start complaining about getting downtown toronto during rush hour. When everyone has talked about taking the GO into the city anyways.
You get in a panic and start saying you can't go anymore.
Holy fuck buddy. Why don't you relax for a minute and just step outside of your tiny little bubble of a life and try to have some fun.
What a douche.

wonderland

It's been a while since I've written anything. But he's been on vacation.

So he took all of last week off and ended up going to Wonderland. If I have to hear about Wonderland once more I'm going to punch someone in the dick.

I should be making jokes. However, I'm far too hungover to do that. Yeah that's fucked up. I'm hungover as shit at 3 in the afternoon on a Monday. You do the math.

Anyways. Back to the business at hand.

He made a comment "I'm glad that I have a little one because I can be in the kids water park and not look like a pervert."

So if you didn't have a child you would still contimplate going into the kiddies water park, and on top of that you have actually weighed out the pros and cons of doing so versus looking like a pervert. There is something wrong with that. Seriously wrong.

Do you bake cakes for the teenage girls you keep locked up in your basement?

not awethum

loser

People ask you to help them out to get work done, so they don't have to stay late. You tell them you're too busy and have too much of your own work to do to help out.
You then spend the next hour studying the futureshop flyer online. Not just looking. But studying each and every item they have in there.
After that you spend an hour on torrent sites. Writting down a list of movies you're going to download when you get home.
Seriously who the fuck does that.
We're supposed to function as a group. When people need help you help them. When you're light on work you ask others for work, and when you have too much you ask others for help. But you never help anyone.
If you have to stay at work past 4:45 you start to panic. It's pathetic.

not awethum

*Backstory* You have a 3 year old daughter.

You openly admit to people at work that you want to engage in sexual relations with the blue avatar girl from Avatar. You tell people that (and yes I quote) "halfway through the movie I really wanted to do it with her".
You have a 3 year old daughter and you're getting an erection from a cartoon character. This seems wrong. Very wrong.
It's a cartoon character. And you want to fuck her/it (I don't know what verb ... or is it a noun? to use there).

There's A LOT of Avatar material here. But I'll save the other stories for another day.

not awethum

It's safe to say that I've never been involved in an act of rape. So I really have no experience in the matter.

BUT ...

Your laugh makes me picture you huddled over a pit in your basement, lowering a bucket with lotion in it. Explaining to a girl soaked in her own tears that she needs to put the lotion on.

Every time you laugh a cute little bunny dies.

not awethum.

A Nightmare!

I have to work with this image that isn't orfo-rectified! It's such a nightmare! I've tried to explain that it's not orfo-rectified, but he just doesn't get it. But you understand. You know what I'm talking about. I like working with orfo-rectified images. They fall into real world coordinates good.

(it's ortho ... not orfo)

not awethum

How I Know You're Gay vol. 1

You openly admit you downloaded the new Miley Cryus album from iTunes.

awethum.

Let's Get Retarded In Here

Things I get excited for ... free beer, boston red sox, detroit red wings, hot girls, weekends, long weekends, making out with hot girls. Well you get the picture, pretty much anything that involves at least two (but preferablly three) of the following: beer, girls and sports.

Things that make you start signing Let's Get It Started. Free lunch leftovers, free work lunch. That is all.

I had never before seen someone burst into song over the idea of a free hamburger.

not awethum.

joe rogan

his name is joe rogan. with an R. not joe logan. ROGAN.

for someone who watches so much UFC and proclaims to to be a fan of the UFC, you'd figure you'd be able to read the little text box that pops up multiple times during an event that clearly states his name is ROGAN. not logan.

one second. you download all the fights and fast forward through all of the between fight commentary and what have you. that would explain why you think his name is logan. or would it?

not awethum.